Shadow and Joshua present: The Night before Christmas
by Femalefonzie
Summary: Sorta Sequel to An unexpected Christmas gift. Shadow and Joshua read The Night Before Christmas to end their high-school pageant and Shadow decides to spice it up! Based off the Jeff Dunham Christmas Special! T for mature humor


**A/N: The dialogue between Joshua and Shadow about the night before Christmas was taken from Jeff Dunham's Christmas Special. It was the Peanut and Jeff Dunham Night Before Christmas skit and I do not own it.**** Also, there may be some material in here that some might find offensive so if you are easily offended don't read and I apologize.**** Enjoy.**

Pitch didn't know why but for some odd reason the guardians were fond of his sons. Maybe it had to do with the fact that they took good care of their teeth and liked small, soft animals. Jack had liked them and often took the boys skating and Even Bunny, who for some odd reason took a real liking to Joshua, taught the boys parkour and how to handle boomerangs!

Time went by and soon the boys were in High-School. At 15 Shadow had gotten over his shyness and mainly hung out with goth kids while Joshua had taken the jock-y approach at high-school. They were still the closest possible friends and brothers despite them being in different cliques.

Eventually, Christmas came around and their school had announced that they were putting on a Christmas pageant and Shadow and Joshua had been selected to read the night before Christmas to close the show.

Sneaking into the theater, The guardians and the boogeyman all hung around the back and waited for Shadow and Joshua. Sure enough, near the end of the pageant, Joshua and Shadow came on stage and started reading.

Joshua**:** And now, The Night Before Christmas.

Shadow: This would be a good time for the Muslims to go to the bathroom...

Joshua: Twas the night before Christmas

Shadow: And all the Jews were at the movies...or eating Chinese food...

Joshua: Will you?!

Shadow: What I'm just trying to include everyone!

Joshua: Twas...

Shadow: HOLD IT!

Joshua: WHAT?!

Shadow: Who the hell says twas?

Joshua: Its in the story!

Shadow: Well its old and stupid!

Joshua: Its tradition!

Shadow: ...tis it?

Joshua: Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...

Shadow: Why is it always a house...

Joshua: What?

Shadow: You know there are kids who live in apartments...how do Santa Claus get to the kids in the apartments Uncle Joshy?...He has to buzz his ass in *makes buzzer sound* Santa Claus...

Joshua: And all through the apartments not a creature was stirring...

Shadow: Except for the assholes in 2B...they're drunk and hitting each other with menorahs..oy vey...that's Jewish for holy shit...*Chuckles* Nothing funnier then sneaking a couple of Holy shits in the night before Christmas Huh?

Joshua: ...Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

Shadow: Mouse? YOU WISH! YOUR IN AN apartment! THAT'S A RAT!

Joshua: The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

Shadow: And believe me the room could use some fresh air...seriously how the hell did that tradition start?

Joshua: What?

Shadow: Hanging up dirty laundry and hoping Santa will fill it with goodies YUCK! Id like to suck on this candycane but it smells like your feet!

Joshua: YOU ARE RUINING THIS STORY!

Shadow: Isn't this the part where the kids are sleeping with sugarplums dancing in their heads?

Joshua: Yeah

Shadow: What does that mean? I think they're huliucinating, these apartment children are on drugs...Santa's gonna bring me a GI-JOE and a bong...and Daddy wants a hohoho...ITS DADDY AND THE THREE HOES...

Joshua: With momma in her cercif and me in my cap, we had both settled down

Shadow: FOR A BIG SNORT OF CRACK!...aww...vice-principal Harding is in this story too the story too... Look, you have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering, where the hell is that...

Joshua: ITS NOT BREAKING AND ENTERING!

Shadow: Oh, keep reading i think it counts...

Joshua: As i drew in my head was turning around, down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound

Shadow: He fell down?

Joshua: ...Yes

Shadow: And doesn't say his face was red?

Joshua: Yeah

Shadow: WHY DOES NO ONE SEE THIS! THIS GUY IS DRUNK OFF HIS Ass! This is a horrible, horrible story

Joshua: He was dressed all in fur to his foot, and his clothes were all covered in ashes and soot

Shadow: Fat, drinking and driving, wearing a furry gay outfit, covered in soot and smoking, and YOU let him in the house because he said he had something for your kids...WHAT THE HEll KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU ANYWAY! If i were you I'd check his ID then taze his fat ass! How fat is this guy anyway, everyone is always leaving him plates of cookies, I bet he's a diabetic too, don't you think? You oughta leave him a plate of insulin how bout that? Can't wait to hear this story next year, The Night Before Christmas Part II, Santa is on dialysis and he's missing a leg...

Joshua: CAN I FINISH THIS STORY?!

Shadow: Oh please do...

Joshua: He sprang to his sleigh and to his team gave whistle

Shadow: Got to go quick cause there's a cop with a pistol...

Joshua: But I heard him exclaim as he drive out of sight...

Shadow: Merry Christmas too all, oh crap, i ran over your bike...

As the story finished, Everyone was silent. North was sitting there with his jaw hanging open and everyone else was frozen in shock and then Bunny broke the silence. The guardian of hope burst out laughing, followed by Pitch and Jack and Tooth and eventually the entire auditorium.

Pitch had never been more proud of his son then he was at that moment!


End file.
